Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Loading more great texts...