Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
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