what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I booty called her while she was in labor.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
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