No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
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