How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
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