Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He better not be in your backpack
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Loading more great texts...