I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
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There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
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