Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
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