My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
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