apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
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