Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
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