michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
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