I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
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