You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
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