just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
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He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
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