I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Send us your Text From Last Night!
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
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