i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
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We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
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