What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
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btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
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