When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
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