I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Send us your Text From Last Night!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
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