He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
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