i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Send us your Text From Last Night!
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Loading more great texts...