He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
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He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
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