There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
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