Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Loading more great texts...