To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
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