My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Send us your Text From Last Night!
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
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