You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
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