Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
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