I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Can I color on your dick again?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Loading more great texts...