Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
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