win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
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Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
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