he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
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Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
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