Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i dont even know how to be here
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
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