Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
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