i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She told me I should be a condom model.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
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