theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
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