the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
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