found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
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im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
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