Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
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