In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She told me I should be a condom model.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
porn star boner night. come get it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She's the barista slut.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.