Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
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she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I told you penises don't tan
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
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