never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Send us your Text From Last Night!
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Loading more great texts...