I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Loading more great texts...