worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
home. puking in laundry basket.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
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