my mouth tastes like poor choices
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Swine flu. Run for my life!
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My liver just broke up with me...
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