this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
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