Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Send us your Text From Last Night!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
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