I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
