I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Send us your Text From Last Night!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
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